Staten Island Residence - What We Do in the Shadows
A vampire household documentary, but make it interactive. Colin Robinson not included. Actually, he is included. Sorry.
What Is the Staten Island Residence?
The Staten Island Residence is a dilapidated Victorian mansion that serves as home to the vampire household from "What We Do in the Shadows" - the mockumentary TV series about vampires living together in modern-day Staten Island. In HogwartsLive, it appears as a location in Nosferatu Manor (the vampire city), where you can visit and interact with Nandor, Laszlo, Nadja, Colin Robinson, and their long-suffering familiar Guillermo.
The house itself is described as having "outdated wallpaper, dusty antiques, and what appears to be a pile of human remains swept into a corner with a broom leaning against them." It's exactly the sort of place you'd expect centuries-old vampires to live - charming in a deeply unsettling way, with occasional screams from the basement and a general atmosphere of supernatural neglect. Think of it as a bed-and-breakfast, except the bed is a coffin and breakfast is probably you.
The Residents
Nandor the Relentless
Role: Former Ottoman Empire warrior, current vampire with identity issues
Nandor claims to be the greatest conqueror who ever lived, having ruled Al Quolanudar and had "37 wives. Well, technically 35 wives and 2 concubines." He's imposing, regal, and completely lost in the modern world. Currently obsessed with his glitter portrait collection and decorative wooden stakes. Occasionally transforms into a bat, though the proportions are "all wrong."
Laszlo Cravensworth
Role: British vampire gentleman, topiary enthusiast, failed artist
Flamboyant British vampire married to Nadja for hundreds of years. Created a foolproof disguise once (toothpick in mouth = completely different person). Has a topiary garden sculpted into vulvas. Wrote an erotic novel called "The Lustful Adventures of Captain Ponderosa." Owes Jim the Vampire money from the 1800s. The secret to vampire marriage: "lots of blood, lots of sex, and separate coffins."
Nadja of Antipaxos
Role: Sophisticated vampire, reincarnated-lover-finder, doll hostess
Beautiful Eastern European vampire who finds her reincarnated lover Gregor in every century. He's died as a knight, a peasant, a horse, and "most recently as a parking attendant named Jeff." Her soul is trapped in a doll due to a witch's curse and cost-cutting on exorcism services. The doll is rude, has no filter, and occasionally sets Laszlo's cape collection on fire. Living with the other vampires is "exhausting."
Colin Robinson
Role: Energy vampire, office worker, human drain
WARNING: Do NOT talk to Colin Robinson. He's an energy vampire who feeds by boring people to death. Works in a cubicle. Collects office chair brochures. Memorized the New Jersey Transit schedule. Can drain your hitpoints just by describing his filing system. The more you talk to him, the more HP you lose. You have been warned.
Guillermo de la Cruz
Role: Familiar, Van Helsing descendant, professional vampire killer (ironically)
Nandor's long-suffering familiar who's been waiting 10+ years to be turned into a vampire. Secretly a descendant of Van Helsing and a natural-born vampire killer. Casually stakes vampires without looking while talking to you. Gives away healing potions he finds while cleaning the attic. The most competent person in the house, which is saying something.
Visitor Features
What You Can Do:
When you visit the Staten Island Residence, you can talk to any of the five inhabitants:
- Location: Available in Nosferatu Manor (vampire city)
- Access: Appears in village navigation under tavern section
- Cost: Free to visit and talk
- Daily Reset: Guillermo's potion and Colin Robinson encounter reset each newday
Interaction Rewards
Guillermo de la Cruz:
- Daily Gift: +5 hitpoints healing potion (once per day)
- Source: "Found this while cleaning the attic"
- Conversation: Complains about waiting to be turned into a vampire
- Bonus: Casually stakes vampires mid-conversation
- Cost: Free, just talk to him
Nandor, Laszlo, & Nadja:
- Reward: Entertainment value only (no mechanical benefit)
- Nandor: Talks about his 37 wives, conquests, and glitter portraits
- Laszlo: Describes his vulva topiary garden and erotic novel
- Nadja: Complains about Gregor dying repeatedly and her soul doll
- Purpose: Flavor text and character interactions from the show
Colin Robinson (DANGER!):
WARNING: Talking to Colin Robinson is hazardous to your health:
- Energy Drain: -2 HP every time you talk to him
- Escalating Boredom: He gets more boring with each conversation
- Topics Include: Filing systems, office chairs, train schedules, sand types, instruction manual organization, microwave timing calculations
- Talk 1: 47-page manual on filing system changes
- Talk 2: History of office furniture and ergonomic chair brochures
- Talk 3: Complete New Jersey Transit schedule (memorized)
- Talk 8+: He starts describing his sandwich construction methodology
- Escape Option: After multiple conversations, you can flee
- Daily Reset: Colin encounter resets each newday
Seriously, do not talk to Colin Robinson unless you enjoy losing HP while learning about commercial sandpaper grades.
The Writing & Humor
Show-Accurate Dialogue:
The module faithfully recreates character voices and running gags from the TV series:
- Nandor's Confusion: Lost in modern times, still living in the Ottoman Empire mentally
- Laszlo's Vulgarity: Topiary garden sculpted into vulvas, erotic novels, hiding from creditors
- Nadja's Exasperation: Tired of living with idiots, cursed with reincarnated lover who keeps dying
- Colin's Mundanity: Office work, filing systems, train schedules - weaponized boredom
- Guillermo's Irony: Van Helsing descendant working for vampires, casually killing vampires while talking
Strategy & Tips
Navigating the Vampire House
- Daily Routine: Visit once per day to get Guillermo's free +5 HP potion
- Avoid Colin: Seriously, just don't talk to Colin Robinson unless you want to lose HP
- Entertainment: Talk to Nandor, Laszlo, and Nadja for show-accurate humor
- Vampire City Only: Must be in Nosferatu Manor to access this location
- No Combat: This is a safe, social location with no battles
- Reset Timing: Guillermo's potion and Colin encounter both reset at newday
- Colin Escape: If you do talk to Colin multiple times, you eventually get an escape option
- Free Healing: Guillermo's +5 HP is always worth the visit
The Show Reference
"What We Do in the Shadows" is a mockumentary TV series (based on the 2014 film) that follows four vampire roommates living in Staten Island. The show is filmed in documentary style, with vampires breaking the fourth wall to explain their lives to the camera crew. It's deadpan humor about the mundane reality of immortal life - paying rent, doing chores, dealing with roommates, and navigating modern technology when you're centuries old.
The HogwartsLive module perfectly captures the show's tone and characters. Nandor's confused grandeur, Laszlo's flamboyant vulgarity, Nadja's exasperated sophistication, Colin's weaponized boredom, and Guillermo's ironic competence are all faithfully recreated. The dialogue pulls directly from character archetypes established in the show, including specific jokes like Laszlo's "Jackie Daytona" disguise (toothpick = completely different person) and Nadja's reincarnated lover Gregor dying repeatedly in different forms (including as a horse).
Colin Robinson, the energy vampire, is the show's brilliant subversion of vampire mythology. Instead of drinking blood, he feeds on human energy by boring, irritating, or exhausting people. In the module, this is mechanically represented by HP drain every time you talk to him, with increasingly tedious topics that perfectly capture his character. It's a feature, not a bug - Colin Robinson is supposed to make you want to leave.
Module Info: It's a Village category module that appears in Nosferatu Manor (the vampire city). The module features daily-resetting interactions with five characters from the TV series, including a free healing potion from Guillermo and an increasingly dangerous conversation loop with Colin Robinson that drains HP. The module requires no other dependencies and can be installed independently.