Staten Island Residence (What We Do in the Shadows)

Location in vampire city (racevampire villagename). Dilapidated Victorian mansion full of vampire roommates. Talk to 5 NPCs: Guillermo de la Cruz (familiar, gives +5 HP potion once per day), Nandor the Relentless (flavor text, Ottoman Empire stories), Laszlo Cravensworth (flavor text, vulva topiary gardens), Nadja (flavor text, cursed doll stories), Colin Robinson (energy vampire, drains 2 HP per interaction, escalating boring monologues, increasing escape chance 5% per talk, survive 10 talks for 500 gold + 3 charm). Daily resets via newday hook. Commentary section "wwditshouse". Requires racevampire module city. Parody of FX/Hulu TV show. Where the game teaches you that traditional vampires who drink blood are actually less dangerous than energy vampires who drain your life force by explaining office filing systems and electric bill tracking methodologies.

Location & Access

Where to Find It:

  • Village: Vampire race city (get_module_setting("villagename", "racevampire"))
  • Navigation section: Tavern section (uses tavernnav schema)
  • Link: "S?Staten Island Residence"
  • Target: runmodule.php?module=wwditshouse&op=enter

Requirements:

  • Must be in vampire race city location
  • racevampire module must be installed
  • No race, level, or quest requirements
  • Anyone can visit (not vampire-exclusive)

Setting:

  • Name: Configurable via setting "housename" (default: "Staten Island Residence")
  • Based on FX/Hulu TV show "What We Do in the Shadows"
  • Mockumentary vampire comedy

Entering the Residence

Entrance Description:

"You approach a dilapidated Victorian mansion on Staten Island. Despite its run-down appearance, there's something oddly charming about the place - if you can ignore the occasional screams coming from the basement.

As you knock on the door, it creaks open on its own. Inside, you see a dimly lit foyer with outdated wallpaper, dusty antiques, and what appears to be a pile of human remains swept into a corner with a broom leaning against them.

A nervous-looking human wearing glasses peers around the corner. 'Oh! Hello there. I'm Guillermo de la Cruz, the. familiar. Are you here to see the vampires? They're all home tonight. Who would you like to speak with?'"

NPC Options:

  • G - Guillermo: Familiar (gives HP potion daily)
  • N - Nandor: Vampire (Ottoman Empire warrior, flavor)
  • L - Laszlo: Vampire (British gentleman, flavor)
  • D - Nadja: Vampire (Eastern European, cursed doll, flavor)
  • C - Colin Robinson: Energy vampire (DANGEROUS, drains HP)

Guillermo de la Cruz (Daily Potion)

Who He Is:

  • Human familiar (servant to vampires)
  • Descendant of Van Helsing (vampire hunter lineage)
  • Irony: vampire killer working for vampires
  • Nervously stakes vampires casually while talking

Dialogue:

"So. you're into vampires, huh? Yeah, me too. Been working for Nandor for over 10 years now. He keeps promising to turn me into a vampire, but I'm starting to think it's never going to happen.

[Stakes vampire sneaking up behind him]

Sorry about that. Happens all the time. Anyway, did you know I'm actually a descendant of Van Helsing? Ironic, right? I'm basically a natural-born vampire killer working as a familiar to vampires.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. But then Nandor says something nice to me like 'good job, Guillermo' and I remember why I stay."

Daily Reward:

  • First visit each day:
    • Text: "Oh! I almost forgot. I found this while cleaning the attic. You can have it if you want."
    • Item: Small vial of glittering liquid
    • Effect: +5 hitpoints (capped at maxhitpoints)
    • Pref: gotguillermopotion = 1 (marks received today)
  • Subsequent visits same day:
    • Text: "I thought I had something to give you, but I must have given it all away already. Maybe check back tomorrow?"
    • No reward

Reset:

  • Newday hook: gotguillermopotion = 0
  • Can receive potion once per game day

Nandor the Relentless (Flavor NPC)

Character:

  • Former Ottoman Empire soldier
  • Conqueror, pillaged many countries
  • 37 wives (35 official + 2 concubines)
  • Dramatic, expects to be impressed
  • Confused about modern world

Dialogue Highlights:

"Greetings, human! I am Nandor the Relentless. Conqueror of thousands. Soldier of the Ottoman Empire. Former ruler of Al Quolanudar. I pillaged and conquered many countries, including my own. I was very. how you say. relentless.

You know, in my human life, I had 37 wives. Well, technically 35 wives and 2 concubines, but they were basically wives in all the ways that matter except for the official paperwork. Paperwork was different back then. Mostly it involved blood signatures and goat sacrifices.

Guillermo! Where is my glitter portrait of myself as a warrior? The one where I am holding the severed heads? Guillermo! He's always wandering off. That's the problem with familiars these days - no dedication to the craft.

Would you like to see my collection of decorative wooden stakes? I find them quite beautiful, though Guillermo keeps trying to throw them away for some reason."

Effect:

  • Pure flavor (no mechanical benefit)
  • Return to foyer navigation

Laszlo Cravensworth (Flavor NPC)

Character:

  • British vampire gentleman
  • Flamboyant, mischievous
  • Married to Nadja for hundreds of years
  • Jackie Daytona disguise (toothpick = foolproof)
  • Owes Jim the Vampire money from 1800s

Dialogue Highlights:

"Well hello there! Laszlo Cravensworth, at your service. Regular human bartender by day, vampire gentleman by night. Actually, that's not true. I'm a vampire gentleman all the time. The bartender thing was just a disguise I used once. Jackie Daytona, that was the name. Went to a small town, put a toothpick in my mouth - completely foolproof disguise.

Welcome to our humble abode! I've lived here for quite some time with my darling wife Nadja. We've been married for hundreds of years. The secret to a successful vampire marriage? Lots of blood, lots of sex, and separate coffins when you need a break.

Say, would you like to see my topiary garden? I've sculpted all the bushes into vulvas. It's quite artistic, really. I'm also a bit of a painter, a writer, and a musician. Have you heard my hit song 'The Horny Strigoi'? No? Your loss.

[Hides behind chair] Bloody hell, is that Jim the Vampire? I still owe him money from the 1800s. If he asks, you haven't seen me!"

Effect:

  • Pure flavor (no mechanical benefit)
  • Return to foyer navigation

Nadja (Flavor NPC)

Character:

  • Eastern European vampire
  • Soul trapped in doll (witch curse)
  • Lover Gregor reincarnated multiple times (dies horribly each time)
  • Once reincarnated as horse
  • Recently: parking attendant named Jeff

Dialogue Highlights:

"Hello, darling. I am Nadja. Don't touch anything, especially the cursed witch's hat in the corner. Last person who wore it turned inside out. Very messy.

You remind me of my old lover, Gregor. He has been reincarnated many times over the centuries. Once as a knight, once as a peasant, once as a horse, and most recently as a parking attendant named Jeff. Each time I find him, each time he dies horribly. It's very tedious.

Living with these idiots is exhausting. Nandor is still living in the Ottoman Empire, Laszlo is obsessed with his vulva garden, and Colin Robinson. well, he's an energy vampire. Drains you just by talking. The worst kind of vampire, if you ask me.

My doll is calling me. Yes, my soul is trapped in a doll. It's a long story involving a witch, a curse, and a very bad decision to save money on exorcism services. The doll version of me is very rude and has no filter. I keep her in a box, but she always gets out."

Effect:

  • Pure flavor (no mechanical benefit)
  • Return to foyer navigation

Colin Robinson (Energy Vampire - DANGER)

What Is An Energy Vampire:

  • Feeds on human energy (not blood)
  • Drains via boring/irritating people
  • Ordinary-looking man in beige
  • Works in office cubicle
  • Master of tedious monologues

Mechanical Effects:

  • Each interaction:
    • -2 hitpoints (cannot drop below 1)
    • colintalks counter +1
    • Different monologue based on talk count
  • Escape attempt:
    • Success chance: talks × 5%
    • Example: 3rd talk = 15% escape chance
    • Failed escape: -1 additional HP, +5% to next attempt

The 10 Monologues:

  • Talk 1: Office filing system (47-page manual, Dewey Decimal modifications)
  • Talk 2: Office furniture history (Thomas Jefferson swivel chair, 1970s ergonomics, brochure collection since 1982)
  • Talk 3: Train schedules (memorized NJ Transit timetable, arrival/departure precision)
  • Talk 4: Technical support hold music (3 hours 42 minutes, 4:17 cycle, 53 repetitions, humming)
  • Talk 5: Sandpaper grades (30+ types, ancient China history, wood efficiency spreadsheet)
  • Talk 6: Instruction manual organization (since 1994, manufacturer/year/model cataloging, 14 hours)
  • Talk 7: Microwave wait time calculations (2.7 uses/day, 2:45 average, methodology presentation)
  • Talk 8: Commercial ceiling tiles (acoustic, fire-resistant, mineral fiber slurry manufacturing)
  • Talk 9: Electric bill tracking (17 years, seasonal patterns, 2 kWh prediction accuracy, graphs)
  • Talk 10+: Vintage tax forms (1040 form 637 changes, documentation binders)

Completion Reward (10 Talks):

  • Colin's eyes glow blue (feeding climax)
  • Text: "Oh yeah, that's the good stuff! You're a real trooper for sticking around this long. Most people try to escape much sooner. I'm actually impressed!"
  • Colin burps (food coma)
  • Gift: Office supply store gift card ($25 value)
  • Rewards:
    • +500 gold
    • +3 charm
  • Prefs: colintalks = 0, colinescape = 1
  • Encounter resets (can repeat next day)

Daily Reset:

  • Newday hook: colintalks = 0, colinescape = 0
  • Can complete Colin encounter once per day
  • Total possible HP loss: 2 HP × 10 talks = 20 HP (+ failed escapes)

Colin Robinson Strategy

Risk/Reward Analysis

Cost:

  • Minimum: 20 HP (10 successful talks × 2 HP)
  • Maximum: 20+ HP (if failed escape attempts add +1 each)
  • Time: 10 interactions (reading monologues)

Reward:

  • +500 gold
  • +3 charm
  • Bragging rights (survived energy vampire)

When to Complete:

  • High max HP (can afford 20+ loss)
  • Need gold (500 gold valuable)
  • Need charm (+3 significant)
  • Entertainment value (monologues are funny)

When to Escape Early:

  • Low HP (can't afford drain)
  • Don't need rewards
  • Impatient (10 talks tedious)
  • Want to talk to other NPCs today

Escape Mechanics

Chance Progression:

  • Talk 1: 5% escape chance
  • Talk 2: 10% escape chance
  • Talk 3: 15% escape chance
  • Talk 4: 20% escape chance
  • Talk 5: 25% escape chance
  • Talk 6: 30% escape chance
  • Talk 7: 35% escape chance
  • Talk 8: 40% escape chance
  • Talk 9: 45% escape chance
  • Talk 10: Not offered (auto-complete)

Failed Escape:

  • -1 additional HP
  • +5% to next escape attempt
  • Forced to continue listening
  • Colin: "I just remembered this fascinating story about utility billing."

Commentary Section

Moderate Hook:

  • Adds commentary section: "wwditshouse"
  • Section name: get_module_setting("housename") (default: "Staten Island Residence")
  • Standard commentary features

Who Can Post:

  • Anyone who visits the house
  • No special restrictions
  • Discuss vampires, share Colin survival stories

Admin Configuration

Settings:

  • housename: Name of residence (text, default: "Staten Island Residence")

User Preferences:

  • gotguillermopotion: Received Guillermo potion today? (bool, default 0, resets newday)
  • colintalks: Number of Colin interactions (int, default 0, resets newday)
  • colinescape: Escaped from Colin? (bool, default 0, resets newday)

Dependencies:

  • Requires racevampire module (for vampire city location)
  • Uses racevampire villagename setting

Common Questions

Q: Can I get Guillermo's potion multiple times per day?
A: No. Once per day. Pref "gotguillermopotion" tracks this, resets at newday.

Q: Can I die from Colin Robinson's energy drain?
A: No. HP drain has floor at 1 HP. Cannot kill you, just drain you severely.

Q: What if I escape from Colin before 10 talks?
A: No reward. Must complete all 10 talks for 500 gold + 3 charm.

Q: Can I complete Colin encounter multiple times per day?
A: No. Once per day. Prefs reset at newday.

Q: Do the other vampires (Nandor, Laszlo, Nadja) give rewards?
A: No. Pure flavor NPCs. Only Guillermo (potion) and Colin (completion reward) give mechanical benefits.

Q: Is this module vampire-race exclusive?
A: No. Anyone can visit if they're in the vampire city. Not restricted to vampire race players.

Q: What happens if I visit when colinescape = 1?
A: Colin encounter resets. Can start fresh 10-talk sequence.

Q: Can I heal between Colin talks?
A: Technically yes (navigate to healer, return), but inefficient. Better to have HP buffer before starting.

Q: Is the TV show reference required to understand this?
A: No. Module works standalone, but references are funnier if you know the show.

Staten Island Residence: where a dilapidated Victorian mansion full of vampire roommates from the FX/Hulu mockumentary series "What We Do in the Shadows" has been transplanted into the magical world complete with nervous familiar Guillermo de la Cruz who casually stakes approaching vampires mid-conversation while explaining his Van Helsing lineage and handing out +5 hitpoint potions once per day via the gotguillermopotion preference that resets at newday, dramatic Ottoman Empire conqueror Nandor the Relentless who boasts about his 37 wives (35 official plus 2 concubines because paperwork involving blood signatures and goat sacrifices was different back then) and collects decorative wooden stakes that Guillermo keeps trying to throw away for mysterious vampire-safety-related reasons, flamboyant British vampire Laszlo Cravensworth who discusses his foolproof Jackie Daytona disguise (toothpick in mouth = completely unrecognizable) and vulva topiary garden while hiding from Jim the Vampire over 1800s debt related to his failed erotic novel "The Lustful Adventures of Captain Ponderosa," Eastern European vampire Nadja whose soul is trapped in a rude doll due to budget exorcism decisions and whose lover Gregor has been reincarnated multiple times including once as a horse and recently as parking attendant Jeff with each incarnation dying horribly in tedious repetition, and most dangerously energy vampire Colin Robinson who feeds not on blood but on human energy drained through relentlessly boring monologues about office filing systems, office furniture history (Thomas Jefferson swivel chairs and 1970s ergonomic innovations with complete brochure collection since 1982), train schedules (memorized NJ Transit timetable), technical support hold music (3 hours 42 minutes with 4:17 cycle repeated 53 times), sandpaper grades (30+ types with ancient China origins and wood efficiency spreadsheets), instruction manual organization (since 1994 cataloged by manufacturer/year/model requiring 14 hours), microwave wait time calculations (methodology for 2.7 daily uses averaging 2:45 heating time), commercial ceiling tiles (acoustic and fire-resistant mineral fiber slurry manufacturing processes), electric bill tracking (17 years of data with seasonal pattern predictions accurate within 2 kilowatt-hours), and vintage tax forms (documenting all 637 changes to the 1040 form in series of binders), with each interaction draining 2 hitpoints that cannot drop below 1 creating a floor preventing actual death but enabling severe depletion, offering escape attempts with success chance equal to talk count times 5% starting at 5% on first talk and scaling to 45% by ninth talk with failed escapes costing additional 1 HP and adding 5% to next attempt, until surviving all 10 monologues rewards you with 500 gold and 3 charm representing Colin's gratitude for being such a good energy meal that he burps in satisfied food coma and hands you an office supply gift card worth theoretically $25 though he describes it as only having "about $25 left" suggesting partial prior usage, and the entire Colin encounter resets daily via newday hook setting colintalks and colinescape back to 0 allowing you to subject yourself to this ordeal repeatedly if 500 gold per day appeals to you more than preserving your sanity and hitpoints.